


March 2004

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [8]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, Oral Sex, Sexual Content, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-05
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-23 20:12:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/626069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark loses his virginity. Life gets that much more complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	March 2004

01 March @ 10:35 am

Nothing can top what happened between Lex and me yesterday. He stopped by around three and we hung out. It was so cool. My mom and dad both went out to run errands so we could be open about things. I totally shocked him when I kissed him right in my own driveway. I won't forget the look on his face and couldn't get it out of my head all night. My mom must have thought I was crazy since I would suddenly smile for no apparent reason. I kept telling her it was because I was so proud of my hero dad.

Anyway, we ate cold pizza. We went my fortress loft in the barn to make out.

After he left, I stayed in the barn for a while to ponder my life. Then dad and mom came home. My dad saved someone. 

It sounds corny but during dinner, I daydreamed that Lex was there too with us. When mom asked why I was smiling I told her that Lex had been by. Dad got angry but he didn't really say much.

Then I had to go out to the barn to avoid hearing them get mushy. Totally gross.

@ 11:19 am

I made a complete fool out of myself yesterday. When Lex was over, I started to imagine that were living on the farm together. In my dream, it was just the two of us. He asked me why I was so happy. I mean besides having him all to myself, why else would I be happy. He was there with me and we were in my kitchen free to be ourselves.

I told him about the fantasy. I wished I hadn't. It was so embarrassing. When I told him, I realized how dumb it must have sounded to him. He doesn't have fond memories about family life like I do. I couldn't stay in the kitchen after that so I ran off too embarrassed at how naive and young it must have sounded to him. I know it's never going to happen. I know it never can, but I can dream about it can't I.

I had all night to think about this and I realize now that there is no way it will ever be that way. He's not just any guy and I'm not even human. I would have to tell him the truth about what I am. I know honesty is very important to a healthy relationship. I wanted so badly to tell him. I almost did. We were alone and no one could have stopped me. I wanted to just say 'Lex, I'm an alien from another planet.' But the words stuck in my throat. They froze me to the very core with terror. I was afraid that he would hate me forever once he heard the word alien.

I had the nightmare last night. I dreamed I told Lex. In the dream he looked at him like I was a monster. Then he told me he would devote his life to making sure the whole world knew what I was.

Yesterday after I told him about my fantasy, Lex chased me when I ran off. I was so ashamed and embarrassed and just felt this huge humiliation over how I acted. I must have seemed like a child to him. We talked and he made me feel a little better. I don't know. I was so confused and just plain annoyed at myself that I just wanted to pretend it never happened. He did make me feel less silly for wanting those things.

We also talked about the reasons for a safe word. I asked about Bruce and why they had one. He said they used to do stuff like tie each other up. Bruce used to tie him up! I can't do that to him. I mean, I don't think I can. I don't want to hurt him. I would never want to hurt him. I want to know everything about Lex and what he likes, but I think that maybe some of those things he likes are not things I would like. I'm not sure. I just can't imagine tying somebody up on purpose. I can't imagine taking that kind of control away from him, but maybe he likes that. Maybe he wants me to own him in that way. Maybe a part of me wants to own him that way.

I have to admit; the thought that he's shared that with Bruce annoys me a little but since Lex with me now, I know I have nothing to worry about. I'm just so confused. I'll have to think about it some more. 

After we talked things got heated between us. I sucked him off. I was so hard from earlier (the minute I heard his car in the driveway I was hard) I wanted to do something about it.

We decided on the safe word 'cherry pie'. That was a very short conversation mostly because when I brought it up I was holding his dick in my hand and he was pretty speechless. He didn't get the chance to do me but that was fine. I didn't mind. I jerked off three times last night after he left. 

I fantasized while I jerked off that I had Lex under me and that he was totally helpless. It was such a turn-on, and I didn't last long. Maybe I do like the idea of tying Lex up just a little.

 

02 March @ 12:02 am

My dad is acting like a jerk. I have no idea why but he's been so rude today. I came home to fine my parents making out in the kitchen. My eyes are still burning from that sight. My brain needs major scrubbing. 

That totally threw me off, but then dad was all 'you do the chores, I'm taking a break.' My dad never takes a break from work. When Lex stopped by my dad was so rude to him. He told Lex how much he hated him and how much he hates that we're friends. It was awful. Mom tried to apologize for dad but I could see how much it hurt Lex.

My dad went upstairs for a nap so I took Lex out to the loft. I said sorry a million times for my dad's odd behavior. Lex just brushed it off and acted like it didn't matter. I know my dad doesn't like Lex but this is just not like him at all.

I'm so tired, too. I just finished all the chores. I need to go to bed now.

@ 07:49 pm

My dad is in the hospital. They have no idea what's wrong with him except they think he caught something from the man he saved the other day. That man fell into a coma and they can't do anything to help him at all.

My whole world is falling apart.

Today I also found out that Pete also hates Lex. I mean totally hates him. When I asked Chloe about it, she said he's jealous of how close Lex and I have become. I never even realized this. I can't even tell him that it's a different sort of thing with Lex and that it's not the same at all.

09:32 pm

Dad shot me! He didn't mean to. It still hurt just as bad as if he had done it on purpose. My chest aches but I wonder if it's just from the shock or if I really hurt.

I couldn't believe it. When I ran after him and saw that he had a shotgun and intended to go after the bank manager, I freaked. My dad may have a temper but he would never do something like that. Except he did and I never thought he would shoot me, and he did that too. 

I feel so helpless. I don't know how to handle something like this. The doctor has no idea what's wrong with him, which means he has no way of helping my dad. I didn't tell mom about the shotgun thing. She has enough to worry about right now without having to think about that.

I called Lex and he came right away. I hugged him as soon as he arrived. I didn't care how it looked. My mom hugged him as well so it probably just looked like he was comforting us. After a while my mom asked him to take me home. I wanted to stay but she's right when she says somebody has to take care of the chores. 

It gave me a chance to be with Lex. As soon as we were in private I couldn't help myself, I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything would be fine. I cried on his shoulder. I think it was a dignified cry. I should be embarrassed but I just don't have the strength. I feel so tired and scared. Lex didn't say much except to hold me and comfort me, which was exactly what I needed.

If only other people knew the Lex I know. He makes me feel so safe. I wish I could confide in him. I wish I could talk to him about what my dad did. I feel so alone right now.

 

03 March @ 11:35 pm

My dad is in a coma. 

Lana came on to me and then stole Lex's car for a joy ride. She passed out and I had to take her to the hospital. She has the same condition as my dad. They still don't know what it is but Lex has everybody working on it. He brought in special doctors to help. I have had such a hard day and now that things are calm I want to sleep but I can't. 

My dad could die. I don't even want to think about it. 

All the things I can do and they're useless. I'm useless.

 

04 March @ 08:18 pm

Now my friend Pete is infected. It turns out this crazy man who likes to play mad scientist brought a long dead flower back from the past. Chloe and Pete did some research and found out that Lex signed this book out from the library. Pete of course jumped on it and attacked Lex.

I'm not that quick to judge. Since we still don't know everything that happened, and on top of that Pete was delirious when he attacked Lex. Did I mention Pete shot at Lex? I ran to the mansion to stop him when Chloe told me he went after Lex. Lex is being real cool about it all. He's more concerned about everybody who's in the hospital, especially since the first man who was infected died tonight.

I had to pull some fast-talking with Pete. I had no idea what to do and the first thing that came to mind was to pretend I was with Pete when he said Lex was the one responsible for everything that happened. Unfortunately it involved hurting Lex and making him believe even for a second that I hated him.

The look on his face when Lex thought that I'd betrayed him sucked. 

I have no doubt in my mind that Lex will find a cure and that he will make everything better. I will never believe that he had something to do with this. I will never believe that he would purposely cause anybody harm.

Maybe I'm being naive to believe so strongly in him, but I don't think so. I think that if he has somebody that trusts, believes, and knows he is worthy of that, he will change. And I have to believe that this will make all the difference.

When I close my eyes and think of the look I feel ashamed but it saved Lex's life.

 

05 March @ 07:25 pm

The doctors found a cure. Everybody is going to be fine. I just came back from the windmill. Lana wanted to climb it. She seemed happy when I dropped her off at home.

Everybody that was infected forgot what they did while they were under, the influence which is a good thing since I would rather put the whole Lana hitting on me thing behind me.

My dad and mom are in the house. Mom and I just decided not to tell dad what he did. I never did tell mom how I had to chase dad down.

I went by the mansion to talk to Lex and thank him in person, but he was packing. He had to leave for a business trip. I didn't get a chance to say much of anything. When I tried to thank him he brushed me off and said he really needed to go. It's weird because he seemed so distant but then when I tried to get him to slow down, he just gave me this look, grabbed me and kissed me hard. Then he got into his car and drove off. I didn't even get a chance to ask how long he'd be gone or where he was going or anything like that.

I called Pete to see if he's okay. He said his mom is pampering him, but his brothers are still treating him the same. I asked if I could come by tomorrow so we could maybe shoot some hoops. I don't think I'll tell him what he did while he was infected. I'd like to forget the whole week. It was just so weird.

The thing with Lana was the strangest. I don't know if it was her true feelings coming out. I didn't really give too many details about that, since it was kind of embarrassing. She stripped and kissed me and then later (when I chased her down to stop her because she was driving Lex's car across a field) she asked me if I was in love with her. She knows I'm with AJL so I have no idea why she would ask me this. Since she doesn't remember doing it, I'll never really know why. That's fine by me; like I said, I wish I could forget it all.

This flower made people lose their inhibitions and say what's really on their mind. When I close my eyes, I see him shoot me. I want to forget this the most.

 

06 March @ 10:23 pm

I spent most of the day with Pete. He's feeling much better now. He asked me a few times what he did but I just told him to forget about it. I told him it was fine and that nobody got hurt. We had a talk about Lex. I told him that Lex is important to me and that he would just have to accept that. I also apologized for not being around. 

We had a nice time but I have to admit, I sometimes see that imagine in my head of what he did. I think of Pete holding that gun and pointing it at Lex. It's just not something I want to remember and not something I want Lex to have to remember. Ever! I would have done anything to save him. Anything! I had to think fast. I had to get that gun away from him.

After hanging out with Pete, I went downtown to get a coffee and I ran into Mr. K. We talked for a while. I wasn't really sure what to say. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking about Lex and what he said to me before he left. I run it over and over again in my mind. I realize now that something was really wrong and I didn't catch it.

When I got there, he was getting ready to come by to let me know he was leaving for a few days. Then when I touched him he flinched and stiffened. I close my eyes, and I can see it in my mind. I can't believe I didn't pick up on it then. I'm supposed to notice this stuff aren't I? I mean he was hurt and maybe I'm the reason he's hurt. He kissed me right after but I think now that he did that to reassure me. 

I talked to Mr. K about it. He was kind of upset about something. He said I made him feel better, but I have no idea what I said. It's cool that he felt better. He looked so miserable. We talked for a while and then drove back to the farm for fresh pie and milk. It was nice to just sit and talk about stuff.

 

07 March @ 09:57 am

This totally sucks. I woke up this morning in a cold sweat. It's not fair! I have to remember these things for the rest of my life! I have a prefect memory. I never forget anything I see. Anything! I remember it all especially Lex hitting me with his car and Pete pointing a gun at Lex and threatening to kill him. They're never going to go away. 

I had a nightmare about my dad. It was about the shooting. I remember every detail of that, too. I won't forget the struggle or the feel of the shotgun shells exploding against my chest. Every once in a while, I touch my chest where I was hit and I flash back to it.

I know it was an accident and I know my daddy didn't mean to do it but it's just so hard. I'm going to tell mom what happened. I need somebody to talk to about it.

 

09 March @ 11:01 am

His name is Ryan. He made breakfast for us this morning. I told him he doesn't have to do that since my mom and dad are practically ready to adopt him. It would be so cool if that happened. I sometimes imagine what having a sibling would be like. I can't wait to hang out with him again today.

I spent the morning hanging out with him. We played basketball and he showed me a comic book he likes called Warrior Angel. It's cool to have somebody around who's younger that I can talk to. He seems to really enjoy my company.

On another note, I saw Lex yesterday when I did deliveries. I had to go in to get the check for my mom so I couldn't avoid it. It wasn't that I wanted to avoid it, but I've been feeling weird about the fact that instead of staying here and talking to me about what was wrong he ran. I wanted to help him but he took that choice away from me. I know it's his decision to make, but it still hurt that he couldn't come to me. 

He told me he needed to distance himself from what had happened. I hate that I did what I did, but there was a gun pointed at him and Pete was not backing down. I had a second to think up a plan. 

Why should I have to make these kinds of choices?

The truth is, I'm angry with my dad, but most of all I'm angry with myself. Lex told me we should just move past this. He's right.

@ 10:00 pm

I haven't really told the story of how we came to have a new member of the family. 

Last night mom ran into this kid, Ryan. She took him to the hospital and since he had no memory of where he's from, my parents offered to take him in until they can figure out if he has family or where he belongs.

We just finished dinner a few hours ago and Ryan's sleeping now. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is to have him here. It's just the coolest thing ever. He's younger than me so I have to be a big brother to him. I've always wanted to be a big brother but I never thought it would happen. Mom and dad definitely talked about keeping him. If we adopt him then I would have somebody to hang out with all the time. I would have a brother.

 

10 March @ 11:04 pm

He's going to leave. I was so happy to have a little brother in my life. I found out that when Lex was young his baby brother died before he even had a chance at life.

Lex looked so sad and bitter when he recounted the story of his only sibling, Julian. I felt bad because I was so happy about Ryan and it turns out Lex lost a brother.

I feel numb right now. I thought I was going to have a nice happy day and then he drops the bomb. His dad offered Lex a job in the city. My head is spinning, and I'm so confused. I know it's what Lex has always wanted but I want to shout at him not to go. I want to tell him to stay here with me in Smallville. 

Lex said he was a different person there with his father. I didn't say anything because I was so shocked. I want to be supportive and I want him to be happy. He didn't seem happy, even after we kissed. He was so distant and sad. It made my heart wrench seeing him leave. I have never felt so strongly about anyone before.

His kisses were gentle and full of regret. It was like he wanted to remember what it was like because he's going to say yes to his dad. He could say yes. I know it's an option. He said he's having dinner with his father to give him his answer.

What if Lex leaves? What if he goes back and I never see him again? He would be there, I would be here, and he'd have all the distractions of the big city to keep him occupied. He wouldn't need me. I'm just a farmer from a small town and he's Lex Luthor. I can't compete.

On top of that, Ryan is leaving tomorrow. He has to go to social services. We can't keep him. He's a great kid and I like being a big brother to him. I could show him so much, but I don't get to do that. I get to be alone.

Everything was so good today. I took Ryan to the Talon to meet Lana and then he got to meet Lex. He was kind of rude to Lex, and the weird thing is, Ryan told me about Lex's dad offering him the job. He told me Lex was going to leave.

I ran after Lex to apologize for how Ryan acted. He was cool and standoffish. I told him that I wished I could kiss him right in the street. He snapped at me and then told me to go back inside. I didn't know what to do so I just went back in, which turned out to be a good thing since Ryan was in trouble. He was out back inside a garbage truck. I had to rip it open to save him.

He's asleep now. All the excitement wore him out. 

Suddenly this day really sucks. I am so glad it's over.

 

11 March @ 11:29 pm

Lex gave me a foil and then went off to the city, only he never made it because Ryan's stepdad attacked Lex and threw him out of a moving limo.

Ryan's asleep in my bed now. He was supposed to go to social service but the woman that took him was actually the stepmother that was beating him. She's dead now. Ryan's stepdad killed her. I will never understand how a person can just cavalierly kill another person. It's so horrifying to me. The police have Ryan's step dad now.

I just called Lex to make sure he's okay. He says he called a limo to come get him. I wanted to stay with Ryan in case he needs me. I can't imagine how horrified he is by all this.

 

12 March @ 10:54 am

We managed to find an aunt who lives in Edge City. He left with her. I'm happy for him but at the same time I'll miss him. We'll probably keep in touch and dad told Ryan that he's welcome to come visit any time. I'll probably go see him when I get a chance. Maybe this coming week since spring break is here. I'll have to ask mom and dad. I bet they wouldn't mind going.

I have another thing I haven't dealt with at all. I found out that Chloe wants me to ask her to the spring formal. I was surprised. I couldn't believe it. When I asked her about it she just kind of brushed it off. I didn't say anything after since it just startled me way too much. I mean, she's dating someone and then this just comes out of left field.

I better leave it alone unless she mentions it again. I'm really not sure what to do about it. 

Other things have been bothering me as well. It's all just a jumble in my mind. I need to take time to sort it out. 

The other night when Lex stopped by on his way to dinner with his father, he gave me that foil as a going away gift. He said every hero needs one. I haven't talked to him to see if he said yes to his dad's offer. I'm too afraid. What if he did? He looked like he was going to. When I asked about it, he said he wasn't sure what his answer would be, but if Lex gave me a going away present, doesn't that mean he's going to say yes.

I want him to stay, but I don't think I should count on it.

 

13 March @ 10:50 pm

I wanted to be the reason he stayed. I wanted him to walk up to me and say 'you are my everything.' I wanted him to want me to be with him forever.

I feel beyond foolish for even thinking this way.

I watch him and I think he's mine and I could own him if I thought that way. I could tell him to never go near anybody else ever. I have these dark thoughts about him. Like if I don't do something right now to posses him, he'll run off and I won't have him.

I could do it. I could make him be mine, always.

 

14 March @ 05:25 pm

Lex didn't take his father's offer. He's staying in town. It's so weird. I feel so weird. I'm happy that he decided to stay. He made the choice for himself. I'm happy. I really am, but for some reason I feel off.

I guess a big part of me thought for sure he would say yes. I was prepared for that to be his answer. Does that make me a bad person?

We went on a movie date last night. I had a real great time. We ran into Whitney and his friends in the concession line. At first I was nervous but it seemed fine. Whitney was nice enough. The movie was good. It was nice to be somewhere with Lex other than the mansion or my barn.

I still have a ton of chores to do. I tried to call Lex a few minutes ago but he's not available. Normally he always comes when I call.

09:23 pm

I do not have a temper! Why would he say that? And say it in front of all those other people. @#$&%#%$#

That did not make me feel better. I fucking smashed the rail in the loft I was so mad. I guess I do have a temper but I would never hurt him or anther person. Fuck him and fuck that jerk that told me off. 

Big fucking jerks.

I feel sick.

 

15 March @ 09:05 pm

Mom and dad are not happy with me. I broke a few things yesterday. I spent most of the morning fixing the railing I trashed and apologizing to mom for breaking her dishes. Lex and I had a little bit of a disagreement. I'm not really sure how it happened. All I know is, before I knew it, I was so angry I could spit nails.

Just before I did deliveries Lana showed up. She looked sad. Things aren't going so great for her and Chloe. At least Lana thinks they aren't. Chloe has been too busy for her lately. I wasn't sure what to do so I hugged her. She cried until her tears soaked my shirt. I hadn't realized how upset she was until she started to cry. I'm sure Chloe doesn't mean to hurt Lana. 

I did deliveries as I do every Monday but Lex wasn't home. He was out on business. He told me last night that we would talk today, but I guess it will have to wait. I hope he didn't do this to avoid me. I was a little harsh with him on the phone last night. I hate that he drinks and I just wish he wouldn't turn to alcohol when he's feeling upset. He claimed he'd had a hard day and needed to unwind. I sounded so after school-special. He's an adult and I know he can take care of himself, but still, I wish he wouldn't do that to his body. I don't like it.

 

16 March @ 11:14 am

Last night things did not go well. I was alone with my chores since mom was at her class and dad needed to do something in the backfield. Just as I was finishing up the last of them and about to go in for a shower Mr. K shows up. First off I was dirty, stinky, and not really prepared for company. It was nice to see him, though.

I offered him a drink of lemonade and before I knew it I found myself spilling everything about what happened with Lex. I told him almost everything, which in retrospect might not have been such a great idea, but I desperately needed somebody to talk to about the whole situation. It's not like I could go to mom. She has enough of my freakiness to deal with and I really don't want to add to it.

Mr. K made comments about how I could channel my anger in a constructive way. He meant in the bedroom. 

I quote exactly:

"Instead of taking out your anger and frustration by fighting with Lex...channel it into your lovemaking. Uh...control him there...use something like scarves or his ties to bind his hands and ankles. Make Lex know he's at your mercy. BUT...you can't hurt him, Clark. This isn't about punishment. This is about working through what is upsetting you about Lex's recent behavior. Can you understand the difference?"

I get hard just thinking about this. The only problem is that I could never do it. I'm way too strong and I could hurt Lex so easily. I break keyboards just by typing. For the most part, I've learned to control my strength but I don't know how easily I could control myself with Lex like that tied up and at my mercy. The image alone, which I used last night to jerk off to, makes me horny. 

I guess at this point I have to admit to myself that I want Lex like that. I want to have him at my mercy, begging me to fuck him hard.

Mr. K admitted that he's been tied up and spanked. I didn't want to know by whom. I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that question. Although spanking me is totally useless, unless there are meteor rocks around and even then it would not be the kind of pain that Mr. K was talking about. 

After that, it kind of spiraled into weirdness I never could have predicted. He asked if we had alcohol so I offered him a beer. It seemed like a harmless thing to do. Then I realized he wouldn't be able to drive so I offered to drive him over to the mansion that way he would be able to crash there and not worry. It really annoys me that people think I'm a big nerd just because I think it's un-cool to drink. It's worse to drink and drive.

He insisted he was fine and since he'd only had one beer he could handle it, but I just couldn't let it go. So I drove him over to the mansion. He left dad a note that he was taking the whole six-pack. (Which dad found last night - he was unhappy. I'm to replace it out of my own allowance.)

Lex was home. He wasn't too happy to see us. It escalated into a scene in the foyer. Mr. K and Lex really don't get along. They always seem to clash no matter what. After being insulted by Lex yet again over my attitude on drinking, I practically begged Mr. K to go back to my place with me. I almost wish I hadn't. I was so frustrated and infuriated. I asked Mr. K to go up to bed so that Lex and I could talk in private. When I saw Lex I just fell apart. I wanted to smash everything in the room; everything except him of course. I'm not happy with how I handled this. I did smash a few things. He made me angry and when I finally told Lex I was that angry with him, he was glad I admitted it.

I grabbed him way too hard. I know I hurt him but he said something to get me to let go. It wasn't a safe word but much worse. He asked if I was going to break him next. I was so horrified I let go. I'm a monster - a horrible monster.

And after all that, Lex is the one who comforted me. I didn't deserve it. 

I had the nightmare again last night about how Lex finds out the truth about my alien heritage and when he finds out he hates me.

I need to learn to channel my rage. I have to admit I have a temper. I have to, for Lex's sake, be more careful than I have ever been. He's fragile and I would never want to be the reason he gets hurt.

 

18 March @ 10:15 am

I just took a shower. I have to admit it was the first time I wished I didn't have to. I wanted Lex's smell to linger. When I got home early this morning from the mansion I fell into bed. Luckily mom and dad didn't notice I was gone. That would have been embarrassing. I know I would not have been able to look them in the eyes after what had just happened.

I'm not a virgin any more! 

Last night I was nervous about talking to Lex, and then this happens. I asked him if I could. I can't even make sense of what happened and how it happened. We did it, had sex and now that it's over, I can't say that I feel bad or regret it or wish it hadn't happened.

My mind is in turmoil right now. I haven't even gone down for breakfast yet. I will have to eventually but I need to get this out, because nobody can ever find out what happened. Lex would be in so much trouble, not just from mom and dad but the police. There's no way I'm ever letting that happen. According to law I'm underage but the truth is they don't really know how old I am. I could be one hundred for all we know. They had to guess my age when they found me.

Lex smelled so good and he looked so hot. I wanted him, we kissed, and then I undressed us. I was nervous but I ordered him not to stop me. Once I touched his body I couldn't stop. I wanted him. I wanted to control him. I wanted him under me and I wanted to be in him, owning him. I wanted him to admit that I was the reason he stayed here even if it wasn't true. I was so turned on and when he slipped the condom on me, I practically came on the spot, but I managed to hold on until I was inside him. I felt powerful and it wasn't because of my strength. I was in control of my body and it felt amazing. He let me pin him down and gave me something I could not have ever dreamed of getting from anybody. He gave me trust without even knowing it.

When I was on top of him and inside him, I needed to hear him say it. I wanted him to say that I'm the reason he stayed. Once I had his cock in my hand he finally said it. When he said the words, when he said - 'Yes...it was for you. Of course it was for you.' I came.

I don't know why I needed to hear it. I think I needed him to acknowledge what I already knew was true. The way he said it makes me believe I was right. He said he didn't have to stay for us to be together but he stayed and now I know I'm the reason.

I have to get going since we're driving to Edge city today to visit Ryan. I'm so glad he can't read my mind. That would be hard to deal with.

This is going to be a long drive. 

@ 10:01 pm

Mom and I had a great time. She drove me to Ryan's place. Ryan is much happier now. His aunt is very nice. I took Ryan to see a movie. The theater was empty since it was a matinee. After the movie we went for a soda and I told him what's been going on.

My mom and I had dinner with Ryan and his aunt. It was nice. I do still wish he could be my brother but I'm glad he's happy.

The ride home seemed longer than the ride there. Mom seemed distant. When I asked what was wrong, she confessed that she missed Ryan a lot.

 

19 March @ 11:09 pm

It's the last day of spring break. I should be upset that it's almost over but I'll be glad to get back to school. I miss Chloe, I miss Pete and I miss having classes to go to.

Today I went riding with Lana. It was nice and just what I needed. I haven't seen her much this week so it was nice to get all caught up on what's going on. She seemed in higher spirits this time. When I picked her up at the coffee shop she was talking to this girl. They seemed kind of into each other.

Lana was really upbeat and it helped me forget that I haven't seen Lex for a few days.

After Lana and I rubbed down the horses, I went home, showered and went over to Pete's. He got back from his vacation today. It was so weird because he kept bragging about this girl he met. I kind of wished I could brag, but I know it wouldn't go over well considering that I'm dating Lex.

 

20 March @ 08:26 pm

I was supposed to talk to Lex today, but dad needed me to go with him to pick up some parts. I've been gone all day. I just got home and now I'm too afraid to call. I know I should, I told him I would, but it's been almost three days since we had sex. I think about every single detail of that night 

I feel weird tonight. I feel like the farther I get away from that moment, the more dreamlike it seems. Almost as if it were just some fantasy.

I shouldn't have asked the question at that moment. It was unfair and wrong.

 

21 March @ 12:02 am

He's like a flame I'm drawn to. 

I can't turn away. I want to own him, be consumed by him.

My lies eat away at me and I wish I had never come to this place. I have to do something. I want to tell him. I have to tell him. How can he be with me? I lie to him every day.

I'm torn in two directions. Part of me is paralyzed by the idea of telling him and part of me wants to just blurt it out.

I hate my life. I should just break it off so it hurts less in the long run.

He stopped by tonight since I hadn't gone by to see him. It was an intense conversation.

I don't regret that we did it. I wanted us to have sex. I think maybe I went about it the wrong way. I feel ashamed that I could be so forceful.

He said he could have used the safe word at any moment. He never did. He liked it. He wanted me to own him. I can't handle that right now. I want to lock that part of me away and never let him out again.

@ 11:33 pm

I hung out with Pete today. He told me some more about this girl he met.

Mom made a lot of pies today. It drove me insane. She spared one for me. It was amazing as always.

Dad gave me a break today. Unfortunately the parts we picked up the other day weren't enough. Another part broke down minutes into the repairs we made. I wish we could afford a new tractor.

 

22 March @ 03:29 am

I just got back from the mansion and things are better. I felt hollow inside until I went there to talk to Lex.   
We talked and I admitted a few things and he told me it was okay.

@ 05:01 pm

Back to school and things are back to normal, sort of. I guess for most of my friends they are anyway. I think I must have hugged Chloe for a half hour when I saw her. I really missed her much. She gave me this weird look. I didn't bother asking.

I have deliveries to make. Of course this means I get to see Lex. I heard he re-hired Mr. K.

@ 10:51 pm

Lex was in his office when I made deliveries. I stopped in to just say hello and he invited me to play a game of pool. He won. We made out. He's got these really, really, really nice hips that I love to just grab and today I was reminded of . . . well things. I got hard as soon as he kissed me. The truth is, I was already half way there. Just being near him makes me feel hot and tingly.

Mr. K interrupted us. I was too embarrassed to look him in the eyes. I excused myself and got out of there fast. At least it meant I didn't have to talk to Mr. K. Lex didn't get angry with him. 

I had a ton of homework. It's like the teachers missed giving it out so they piled it on big-time. We have to write an essay on a book of our choice, but it has to be something literary. It has to be approved by the teacher.

I have to get to bed now since it's a school night.

 

3 March @ 10:39 am

I don't know what is more embarrassing, waking up floating (with a hard on), or my mother finding me that way. Good thing I wore boxers to bed. That would have been so much more embarrassing. 

I had a nice dream. I dreamed Lex and I were flying over Smallville. In the dream I held him close to my chest. I was also hard in the dream, so I guess my mind knew what my body was up to. Lex was happier than I have ever seen him. He told me he would give me the world and that we would be together forever until the end of time.

Then mom woke me up and I found myself three feet above my bed. I crashed as soon as I woke up. I think mom is freaked out. I gave her a hug when I went down to breakfast but I don't think it helped. She seemed really shaken up. I guess seeing your son defy gravity will do that.

For some reason I'm in such a good mood today. I think I'm freaking people out because I can't stop smiling.

I can't wait to see Lex today.

@ 10:47 pm

School was great. I couldn't stop smiling. Chloe seemed off but I gave her a big hug. Not that hugs are the cure for all. I just felt like she needed it, although she did guess why I was smiling so much. I didn't confirm it. When she said that I looked like I'd gotten laid, I couldn't stop the blush. I hate that I blush so easily.

I ran into Lex at the Talon and asked if he had any ideas for what book I could do. He loaned me a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I thanked him by getting on my knees and giving him a blowjob. It gave me a high the way he responded to my tongue and my mouth on his cock.

After he came, he returned the favor. I touched his head while he sucked me off and almost came instantly. He looked so hot on his knees, sucking me off. I wanted to slam into his mouth until I was deep down his throat.

I couldn't take my eyes off him. His glistening, red lips stretched around me, taking me in. I watched every second of it. His mouth is was gorgeous, hot, and wet and looked so beautiful stretched around my cock.   
Lex has a sexy voice, but when his tongue is on me, I have to admit, I find that much more sexy. His tongue is magic. He does this thing with it that just makes my balls tighten. They tighten if I think about it long enough. Just thinking about it now is making me hard.

When he finished me off, I slid to the floor. I couldn't stand anymore. We kissed and that was hot. I could taste myself in his mouth. If I hadn't just come that would have made me hard. I wanted more, so we made out for a few minutes. Just making out was enough to get me horny again and when I had to leave, I felt like I'd just had the best sex ever, even though it was just a blowjob.

I have to go jerk off - a few times.

 

24 March @ 11:58 pm

School was weird. I found out something today that totally shocked me. I went to drop off my article for the newspaper and found Chloe in tears. Lana cheated on her with another girl. Last week Lana introduced me to this girl. I didn't think anything of it, but now I realize Lana has been spending a lot of time with her. I saw them together a few times and I noticed this girl handing out at the Talon. I never thought anything of it.

I tried to comfort Chloe as best I could. She doesn't want to break up with Lana. I couldn't help but think of what happened to me. I dropped Lex as soon as I found out he'd let Victoria touch him. I told Chloe to go with her heart since she isn't me. She won't have the same reactions I had. 

I said that maybe she should think things through. She decided to do that. I'm glad because I hate to see her cry. Chloe is a good person. I wish this wasn't happening to her.

I invited her over for pie. She stopped by around seven and we had a nice time. I wanted to take her mind off everything. I think it worked. She was smiling when she left.

When I did the deliveries today I ran into Mr. K. I knew it was inevitable. He asked me about the night I drove him to the mansion. I think he thought I set him up with Lex, but I assured him I was just trying to help him.

Lex had to go on a business trip. He left earlier today. He stopped by to let me know. We sneaked into the barn for a minute for a quick kiss. I was afraid my dad would catch us, but at the same time I was excited.

Lex won't be back for a few days. He went to Switzerland. I've never even been outside of my home state.

I started the book tonight.

 

25 March @ 10:19 pm

I have a ton of homework. I started To Kill a Mockingbird (which my teacher approved). I'm looking forward to talking with Lex about it and finding out what it is about the book he loves.

I tried to talk to Lana at school today, but she was always too busy. When I went to the Talon to see if she had time to talk her aunt Nell told me to go away. I don't think her aunt likes me. She always tells me to go away whenever I try to talk to Lana.

As I was leaving the coffee shop, I noticed that girl that Chloe said Lana got to know while Chloe was away in the city over spring break. She's pretty. I've never actually talked to her beyond a brief introduction. The only thing I can remember about her is that she's very quiet.

Lex is still away. Dad let me off the hook on chores since I have so much homework. Mom is baking more pies. The smell is making my mouth water. 

 

26 March @ 11:25 pm

Just because I get driven to school by a man does that automatically mean gay? 

The more I think on this the more it annoys me. I ran into Mr. K on the way to school. He was on the side of the road with a flat so I helped him fix it, and in exchange he gave me a ride to school. The car he was driving was sweet: a black, convertible Beemer.

We overheard some classmates make derogatory comments about me. Mr. K made a joke and I just brushed it off. I chose to ignore them. It's not worth it in my opinion.

I left Lana alone today. I figure she'll talk to me if she wants to. I did ask Whitney if she'd talked to him. I didn't think he'd know but I had to see. He didn't know anything. His dad's been sick so Whitney has to take care of the store. I feel bad for him sometimes. I know he wasn't nice to me, but his father is sick.

Mom sat me down today to talk about Lex. She wanted to know how things were with going with us. I told her things were great, but I couldn't stop myself from blushing. I hate that. She asked without saying the words if things have happened between us. I was so embarrassed. I played dumb. She lost her nerve and ordered me to go do chores.

Lex didn't call. He's probably very busy. Now I want to go back to reading my book. 

 

28 March @ 02:12 am

I stare at the sky and wonder which star is mine. Where did I come from? I spend nights staring up into the heavens, wondering.

I couldn't wait. I had to see him now. I went over to the mansion, but Lex was asleep. He must have been tired since he was passed out on his bed still in his pants and shirt. He didn't even take off his socks. He looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake him so I just watched for a while. He looks so young and almost angelic when he's asleep. No masks no guard-up, just Lex. I wondered if his mind was still moving a mile a minute even in sleep.

He moaned a few unintelligible words. I wonder if he has nightmares. I have them still. I had the dream again where nobody pulled me down from the cross in the field.

I still can't sleep. I feel restless. Almost like I should be doing something but I'm not really sure what.

 

30 March @ 12:00 am

Lex tasted so good today. He smelled amazing. When he parked the car I couldn't hold back any longer. I dived on him, and we made out in the car. I was so excited I broke off the door handle on his side when I grabbed for a handhold. I tossed it in the back seat. Lex just shrugged and didn't say anything.

We went back to the mansion and moved it to the TV room. I was so excited I came in my jeans. It's not as embarrassing as it used to be. I sucked him off. I like how I can make him all weak in the knees and speechless. Plus, I like having his cock in my mouth. It's like I own him in that moment. He's mine, and nobody can stand in the way. 

I wish I could wake up every morning and suck him off.

 

31 March @ 12:02 am

I'm so tired of my dad thinking that Lex will cart me off to some lab if he finds out my secret. It stresses me out enough already that I can't tell Lex. Dad practically said it today that if the evil Luthors ever found out about me, they'd have me hacked into pieces.

I know Lex would never do that, but I can't tell dad how I know, and as long as I'm his son, I have to listen to him.

Dad found out about Lex investigating the accident. I blurted it out that I knew all along and that Lex has left it behind us. Bad move on my part. Dad freaked.

Dad wouldn't understand how nice it is to just be at the mansion. At one point, Lex sat down close beside me. We kissed and it was like fireworks. I feel so hot and out of control. Being with Lex is the most calming and most wonderful thing in the world. 

This is going to give me nightmares.

@ 12:09 am

Have you ever said something you wish you could take back? 

I had a huge fight with my dad. I tried to backtrack but I could see it in his eyes. It was too late.

I went straight over to the mansion right after. 

Every year my dad and I go fishing. We've been doing it since I was seven. He doesn't seem to get that I'm not seven any more. I tried to get him to see that maybe we could do something else, like go see the football game. Lex offered to give us box seats! How could my dad turn that down? Instead my dad refuses it (probably because it's Lex who offered the tickets to us). I'm so sick of his attitude toward Lex. I know part of why I'm so angry with him is because of what he said about Lex. 

When I was at the coffee shop today, I ran into Lex and he told me about his father's idea of a fishing trip. His dad is really weird. I can't imagine having a father like that. 

While I was there I saw Lana crying right after she got a phone call. I was worried so I asked what was wrong. Whitney's dad had another heart attack. I went with Lana to see him in the hospital.

It's been such a busy day. My mom made me help her with her Mobile Meals. She likes to do a lot of volunteer work. I really don't like helping her. I have to confess I find old sick people hard to deal with. I never know what to say or do around them.

After the fight with dad, I stayed at the mansion as long as I could. I wanted dad to be asleep when I got home.


End file.
